in Faith 1,046 Words

Floating Fish

Lately, it seems like everyone is being attacked. The world and, more specifically, the church is being shaken down to its core, it’s foundation. People are being forced into taking a side and standing firm in their decisions. Evil is rampant and no longer concealed within the confines of the shadows.

The deepest, darkest fears, sins, spiritual failings, and doubts are floating to the surface.

Quite honestly, I’m tired of the endless trials that I’m being bombarded with from within and without. When will the shaking cease and the dust finally settle? What will happen next before it does?

As I’m typing this, I can see my dying fish floating to the top of its tank after I painstakingly tried to save it from ick only a few days ago. Sadly, a few other fish are also acting odd and I don’t know what or if I can do anything. (This is after I finally was able to finish my tank—after several weeks of waiting on guppies to hit the market again).

This feeling hits me so often these days you would think I’d be numb to it by now. But no, you’d best believe I will do what I can to salvage and protect, even if it’s in vain.

Will I see the fruits of my own efforts? Probably not. I haven’t exactly “done” life with God lately at the helm. I feel often like someone has unplugged me from the source…that “someone” is me of course, but I can’t seem to find the outlet again in the darkness.

I’ve had to choose God—quite possibly for the first time, without the “feeling” driving it. I’ve always wanted God in my life, always loved Jesus, always wanted to please Him more than anything or anyone else.

I know I still want those things, but life has hit us so hard that I’m just kind of numb to those wants right now. I set expectations on God that I shouldn’t have set (just like in marriage sometimes). I’ve doubted God for the first time, not His existence, but His Character…His willingness. An equally idiotic notion on my part, I know, but here we are.

It’s like I’m lost on the battlefield, shooting and running, unable to clearly see my Commander in the chaos. And man is it chaos!

Between the pandemic, the evil political agendas surrounding it, our presidential failure, the ensuing bloodbath in our country and in the world (some are still in the making), the constant lies and fear-mongering media, the stirring of hatred between races/genders/religions/classes/and parties, the death and depression hanging on everyone, and our own personal battles in the midst of it (being a new mother to a willful boy, health issues, relationship and financial struggles)…..

….yeah, I’m pretty spent. And feeling a lot like my floating fish, gasping for air.

I’m constantly chasing that breath of relief in between the chaos. Surviving but not exactly thriving….is this where the devil wants me? Does he think that if he keeps knocking my legs out from under me that I’ll never really stand up?

Aaron and I have made two conscious decisions amidst our shared feelings. One is that we would be more social at our church. Like make an effort to get to know others and be friends, join groups, etc.

For the past several years we’ve typically remained close to only a handful of people and haven’t exactly went out of our way to invite people over or anything. It’s been difficult for us as introverts to really branch out more. But now we see that we were just being selfish and really robbing ourselves and others of so much more.

In other words, now more than ever—-we all need each other. The church “body” must be a body again. We experience the love of God and meet our needs for connection only through each other.

This is huge for me considering that the reason I felt unloved by God was because I was denying His love that could’ve been mine if I had only reached out to my church family. They are a conduit in which His love reaches us!

Depression is really a demonic hold in that it tries to pull you away from what could heal you; friends and family.

Second, was that we had to make a decision. We had to count the costs of that decision or lack thereof. And that is, “will we continue believing what we believe despite what we see or feel?”

For once in my life, I choose God unconditionally, and to believe He is Good apart from what my eyes have seen, apart from what I feel, and apart from what I have yet to believe. Or perhaps, I do believe but it is without faith.

Nevertheless, I openly stand on what I know to be right, not easy. I see now that the Christian walk is not easy, that it paints a target on your back for every kind of spiritual attack…but I didn’t choose this path because it was easy, only because it was right.

God is God. I am not. This world is broken and evil. I must stand apart from it. I am not here to live for happiness. But to serve and grow and overcome. I do not live for myself but for others. I refuse to live this life for myself because it will only end in destruction and an eternal death. I seek eternal life.

I live for love. I stand for love. And maybe, someday I’ll die for love.

Maybe…it isn’t that everything is chaotic but finally clear. Maybe this is what it’s like when the dust has actually settled and we see things for what they are. The good and the bad and even the floating fish in our spiritual tanks.

What side will you choose to stand on? Come hell or high water, what do you believe?

“Jesus is the same, yesterday, today and forever.” (Hebrews 13:8)

Note: Even when I am not.

10 thoughts on “Floating Fish”

  3. Reblogged this on Zero Lift-Off and commented:
    Excellent overview of the honest to goodness situation in real time!

    “I’m lost on the battlefield, shooting and running, unable to clearly see my Commander in the chaos. And man is it chaos!”

    What I believe you’re feeling is utter disappointment and perhaps some disgust and rightly so in first the human race in general and then in the actual purpose or reason for humanity when there is so much insanity in it! All of that doesn’t quite add up to being human at all. I’ve often said straight out lately and never did I ever feel this way or say this; but I’m ashamed to be a part of the human race so full of rottenness and debauchery afoot everywhere we turn these days! I just wrote yesterday that evil and Satan himself has a firm grip on mankind as it now attempts to crush and destroy all that is good or what’s left of good in this sick twisted world. This is just reality that you are seeing and projecting yourself into as you are now struggling like those poor fish in their final throws gasping for a bit of fresh air because the once plentiful good oxygen that was so abundant or accessible is disappearing! Of course you and I along with many if not all Christians have to begin to wonder what’s going on Jesus, are you going to allow us all to sink into all of this mire and confusion or lack!

    We do need to realize that we are living in the most difficult of times so the faint of heart and those that scare easily will fall by the wayside while hose left standing intact will have one heck of a job on their hands being steadfast and trusting totally in the Lord!

    “….yeah, I’m pretty spent. And feeling a lot like my floating fish, gasping for air.”
    Boy did you say a mouthful there Sister! This is an extremely important point and I must tell you I felt that way over the last 15 years a few times but the most just recently as the attacks come from all directions even on this social media networking where first of all we are in a very uncertain form of communication with strangers and who can say what these people are really all about or what their intentions toward us individually really are from moment to moment; too many variables to contend with as I began to see it lately with backstabbing and malicious intent directed at me by others whom I never did nor would I intentionally do so to them; but people can be so selfish and crass!

    You brought up Battlefield and that is how it is at times here even in the personalized media outlets where it’s a landscape of mental battles at times just adding to the backdrop of chaos all around us in the world at large where deceptions run rampant and are getting more deadly all the time. But let me say that over these last 15 years when I literally had to fight for my life on multiple fronts against powers far exceeding my training, familiarity or pocket book I got so stressed out and tired of fighting the world it seemed even in court battles that I had to take on by myself while ill because nobody cared or would lift a finger for me to help unless maybe I would have begged or paid; that is how selfish a world we can be in at times now! But somewhat toasted I came out in control of my own circumstances due to Jesus never letting me go down the chute and He provided the inspiration along with my tenacious determination to fight off my foes to actually make it through many battles and along the way He made sure I had a few key allies on a professional level that came along because God put them there to help save me! A beautiful human being a medical doctor that I needed to succeed came into the look from the get goes which made a world of difference and without which the enemy would have been in a position to slam dunk me merrily as they some of these bad seeds running loose love nothing more than to crush the good guys like us! This is only one example but there are many that I could point to as junctures when God absolutely delivered me from the hardship, misery and impending doom to a better day; not heaven yet but a huge incentive which told me never give up; the promise is real and will be fulfilled.

    I had a very emotional moment with one of my literal sisters during a long discussion who said today I’m in a rut, and I told her if you and most people you know had been through what I’ve had to bust my behind dealing with over and over while being my own lawyer and best buddy other than my dogs that give so much love on their level; you wouldn’t dare say that to me because then you would know that many people would have given up or died of a heart attack! We are in the battle of our lives now all of us and some are going to fail; we are required to be tenacious and willing to take it all the way to the finish line and never quit! I don’t actually know you and pretty much everyone on this Blog Site but I tell you all that if you say you believe in Jesus and are trusting in him you better mean it and not just be talking out of your butt! That means sure we have bad moments and slip or can’t be in our best form but the commitment to Him alone must be real, genuine and totally determined to allow Him to lead each of us on our own individual paths to heaven! It’s hard road ahead and it will be full of deceptions as well as fierce evils doing great harm but eternity waits down the road so we want that to be eternal life with God our Father in Heaven no if’s and’s or but’s; so that is all I will accept and will do what the Father directs me to do along the way!

    “But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.” (2 Timothy 3:1-5)

    The Rest of the Story follow the link!!!

    http://lawrencemorra.com/2022/01/26/the-battlefield/

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    1. Thanks for commenting Lawrence! Honestly, as disheartening as things are in the world around us, we must stand apart from it. I’m not disgusted by humanity per se, but I am disgusted by sin and the havoc it wreaks in peoples lives. Everyone is facing their inner battles and either winning or succumbing to them in this time of “enlightening.” I wouldn’t even go as far as to say that it is the worst the world has seen—merely that it is now being “seen.” Evil once masqueraded in darkness but now it is quite proud to flaunt itself openly, and for the sin that does not wish to be known—they are being uncovered. “There is nothing new under the sun” as King Solomon once said in Ecclesiastes. The devil isn’t pulling new tricks on mankind, but repeating that which has worked for centuries. Also, I would not exactly say that I’m disappointed in our purpose, only that I am just now realizing what it means to “carry my cross.” I’ve never felt it’s burden quite like I do now, and I’m sure I’d feel it tenfold more if I were dropped in Iran or Korea. I’m a professed Christian who knows not what it means to truly give it all. And in fact I’m still learning to give it all. Maybe it’s my flesh that is warring against my spirit? (Like the Bible said: “The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak”) or maybe I have fallen off the road and have gotten all twisted up in the thorns of my own thoughts. I guess what I would say is, I am disappointed and disgusted by myself and my lack of understanding. I am angry with God but know enough to realize that I am the one who is wrong. Now the struggle that remains is getting myself back on the road. It’s painful and I must accept things as they are—must accept that I might not get all the answers I seek. Must believe in the Word of God entirely despite it all. That is my war.

      We must diligently remind ourselves who the real enemy is. Those who are lost in darkness are not my enemy. Jesus died for us all even while we were still sinners (even as we beat and murdered him) He loved us and called us worthy. What He calls us is more important to me than what I call “us, humanity”. I am not ashamed to be human because Jesus is not ashamed of me. None of what is happening in the world is a surprise to Him. And we must hold out and have hope for each lost soul. That being said, I am not saying we should be silent or inactive against the fighting of evil. Only I can not say enough that we will reach absolutely no one if we fight this without love at the forefront of what we say or do.

      I’ve given up the pointless arguing of reason or theology alone on social media. It’s pointless because it changes no one and only entertains those who want to argue and like spewing nonsense lol.

      Anyway sorry to rant, I have just experienced that the only thing that changes people is relationship and a life lived well for God. I can’t change someone’s mind but I definitely can plant a seed by demonstrating what a life lived for God looks like and by being a good friend. God does the rest.

      God bless!

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      1. Hi Hope! Excellent, a most heartfelt comprehensive assessment and proclamation you have offered up here! First horrible evil has always been present in this earthly material domain from the first millisecond of human life and its comprehension of Good versus Evil! People have been cognizant of what it is from the fall in Eden but today with about 8 billion souls presently on earth at a most unprecedented of all times period that we are now in these are a ripe and even willing target for Satan you do see how many souls that would be for Satan as well as for God! The Spiritual battle has never been this fierce and the ability for evil to use deception in unheard of or imagined ways is now here and its coming to a dramatic conclusion so I say it like it is we will not see any softening of evil ever and there will never be a peace here this world was forsaken long ago and must be Judged so all the good and all of the evil will once and for all separated or would we prefer this insane horrible battle to continue for additional millennia, what would or could that gain or accomplish with the unbelievable amount of suffering that would ensue with so many more souls being tricked and trapped into eternal loss and suffering? This is the most radical point in human history, aka industrial scale abortion since 1973 1.5 billion worldwide and some 62 million in the US alone estimated murders, and though quite sophisticated and so many mesmerizing things taking place around us, that to some are or awe inspiring, by what I call this fool’s gold cheap parlor tricks; but not the one pure gold and light of God in heaven, these cheap imitation tricks delivered by the father of all lies, Satan.

        The think that you allude to what so many of us and even myself at moments have Hoped or wondered, is it possible the whole thing could become total unity and good, but, that is the deceptive plan of the antichrist who is coming and more than likely here now to subdue the masses into accepting the mark and then total allegiance to him as god and thereby so many tricked souls belong to Satan, and taken to eternal damnation! It’s coming and hard so all the stops are out, as well as fast now. Many world events and actions by leaders and our own once good more benevolent government of the people is nearly wholly evil with seething filthy intent from the innards of our highest offices and no matter how many wake up to this and resist, it cannot save the day or make for some happy deal, it is impossible and only Jesus’ Coming will put a stop to all of this mayhem once and for all time.

        Of course planting seeds is a noble enough thing itself if those are seeds of God’s Truth and I agree that works at times, I’ve done the same thing over the years, but, I’m no shining example either, so that proves we all have the capacity of doing Good or shall we say “God’s will,” if we are humble to Him alone and are listening to what He requires of us not the other way around like so many do, thinking all they do is pray and ask God to do this or that or fix this problem or another, but, it only works if it’s God’s will to begin with; He is not our personal butler or servant but we must serve Him! We do not think or begin to know what God knows, so, sadly we often-times are too influenced by the things of this crooked world and in a sense we are poisoned by it early on. I have been poisoned my whole life and had to grow and wake up to that fact but old habits die hard and then it became as I gained insight, getting to an all humble place inside me and on bent knee allowing God through Jesus to take over; and then maybe these what seem to be impossible issues, personal or otherwise can be quelled or removed totally, it all depends on our Father’s will and purposes! As you well know; why do some people from the day they are born suffer an infirmity and have so much to overcome but never being able to just get up and walk away from those hindrances? They serve God’s ultimate purposes that are perfect and Holy!

        I agree that sin and its byproducts are disgusting but I was noting that there are many who love and worship sin such as satanic cults and they are disgusting to me just like so many other horrid groups of persons that riddle the society at large now; and people can be so devious, treacherous and deceptive which makes me sick, truly; and I know from first-hand experience where I was stabbed in the back and heart simultaneously by individuals and powerful groups and didn’t deserve any such thing; but I was foolish even stupid to allow myself to be put in a trap; but there are many out there who will do that to anyone!

        I know this stuff gets sickening to so many to hear it over and over but I say too bad, you either face the music now and deal with it being determined and showing total faith in Jesus or it will be, OK, you didn’t like all the fuss while you supposed to do your part and be tested by fire, so don’t pay now, but instead pay later when it’s convenient, though for many that later will be in hell, we who have our wits about us are obligated and have a responsibility to serve God’s will for each of us! This is to me kick ass time, and I had fights with relatives over this matter, but I would do it again and again if I must, to help save those that are running to the precipice or are so dense and or stubborn to see “the forest for the trees” that they would just prefer to blow it all off and ignore what is in their faces! If I can help them to see I will, I nearly kill myself with trying to help in this way because being extremely sensitive it wreaks havoc on my body like it would; being in this nightmare world now!

        Everything you wrote here is so fantastic and it moves me to no end, I mean it! You are, so clear in your faith and perceptions as I see you! I have to quote this whole portion here!

        “I am just now realizing what it means to “carry my cross.” I’ve never felt it’s burden quite like I do now, and I’m sure I’d feel it tenfold more if I were dropped in Iran or Korea. I’m a professed Christian who knows not what it means to truly give it all. And in fact I’m still learning to give it all. Maybe it’s my flesh that is warring against my spirit? (Like the Bible said: “The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak”) or maybe I have fallen off the road and have gotten all twisted up in the thorns of my own thoughts. I guess what I would say is, I am disappointed and disgusted by myself and my lack of understanding. I am angry with God but know enough to realize that I am the one who is wrong. Now the struggle that remains is getting myself back on the road. It’s painful and I must accept things as they are—must accept that I might not get all the answers I seek. Must believe in the Word of God entirely despite it all. That is my war.”

        Yes you and me too, are fighting this battle with the flesh; we are in this world, but not of it, and I see that better, than I ever did my whole life up to now! It hurts me so much to see and feel this, like you feel it I’m sure; and it near kills me with so much anguish but I’m happy, honest I am, because I see God and I know Him a bit more than I did before I had this insight or epiphany, and so yes, I will Carry my Cross and suffer all I must because I don’t want to just succeed in this dark world, I want to be elevated by God’s Holy Spirit out of it, into His eternal Glory and it will come I see it coming but I have to keep fighting to get there and it hurts it really does lately! I have calm and happy little moments but as long as I’m in this messed up world dealing with the flesh and snares of the Devil I’m not home free, nor will I while in this world, because it could take just one big sin or the one too many that was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and I see that now, knowing I really want to make it to God and Jesus in heaven so bad; so can I make it? Yes but I have to be like Dismas, willing to take anything this mean world will do to me and just suck it up, and say Thank You Lord, for giving me this opportunity to come to you and exist in your kingdom; this is the best thing, my suffering, cross and all! Blessings beyond our imaginations

        Hope look at some saints how they spoke and lived and they are real saints and are with God now, so should I try to do less and think I get a free pass just for attending the battle, or is it only real and true to heat if I actually roll up my sleeves and fight in this battle, to not only save my own soul by genuine faith but to help save others too by my example if possible by doing God’s will as His instrument, because I should want to be nothing more than a servant of the Lord! I will be so happy if I can be at his feet and crawling the way I feel, to say thank you so much to Him my sweet Lord! I cry now thinking how much I want that chance but I know I’m not really worthy I’m just a fool and sinner like so many in this world but I refuse to slip much more and want to try to resist evil all I can as I carry my cross, all for Jesus Christ!

        In my book you belted a home-run here when you said;
        “I am just now realizing what it means to “carry my cross.” I’ve never felt its burden quite like I do now, and I’m sure I’d feel it tenfold more if I were dropped in Iran or Korea. I’m a professed Christian who knows not what it means to truly give it all. And in fact I’m still learning to give it all. Maybe it’s my flesh that is warring against my spirit? (Like the Bible said: “The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak”) or maybe I have fallen off the road and have gotten all twisted up in the thorns of my own thoughts. I guess what I would say is, I am disappointed and disgusted by myself and my lack of understanding. I am angry with God but know enough to realize that I am the one who is wrong. Now the struggle that remains is getting myself back on the road. It’s painful and I must accept things as they are—must accept that I might not get all the answers I seek. Must believe in the Word of God entirely despite it all. That is my war. The best I can do for any severe sinner and even a person who runs with the Devil is to be a shining example of due diligence and remain vigilant in my duty to God serving him with my all and not letting this world or anyone in it stop me from doing that!

        Watch the movie The Robe and I love how Demetrius the Greek portrayed by a really cool actor in his time Victor Mature, who a relative of mine met and knew for a short period. But the role he played so well of the humbled strong tough man who wanted nothing more than to do God’s will effectively every day after he had met Jesus and then saw Him crucified! I cry again now as I think of that, and how he felt, and that is how I feel many times when I think of Jesus doing what He did for me, and all of us, but, I can’t stand myself for not being strong enough to do even way better for Him; I know he understands and forgives me over and over, I have a good heart and I say and mean it; that I belong to Him, but I’m still here and when I see that film or especially “The Passion of The Christ” I am ripped apart with emotion and I weep and sob so much watching the film, but I say thank you God for making sure that movie was made how and it depicts beautifully the reality of Christ and what actually happened and why!

        I’m happy to know all of this and I see how lucky we really are to be alive here because the alternative is nonexistence and now that I live and exist I love this plan of God’s and Him, so can only want to go all the way home with it to heaven, where then it takes on an exponentially beautiful happiness beyond our puny imaginations, because then we are in God’s Glory and He fills us; and yea our cups runneth over, and we have joy and peace all enjoyments beyond anything we can have here and now in this flesh material world; which to me is a trap and the Devil uses it to his advantage all he can!

        Oh you are so right about this
        “I’ve given up the pointless arguing of reason or theology alone on social media.” It is nonsense and a trick to suck us in and jam us up I had to find this out the hard way with the trolls and the jerks that play games and play off of the kind hearted, or even doing that to the best true Christians too! That is why I say what I do about evil it is rampant and vicious so I get strong in my tone or demeanor but I won’t be a jackass either, when I see it as a dead end or too much baloney that I’m walking into, I cut it loose and say like Jesus told the Disciples, shake the dust from your sandals and leave them behind! Sorry kiddo that is the way the cookie has to crumble at times so, hey I tried, but time to move on! I would rather definitely sit and chat and share the cookies in love!

        I get what you mean Hope we let God work through us, but, we must also make sure it is He and God’s will not us thinking we can just be Goodie Two Shoes with all comers and they will return the favor! That is a foolish thing to believe and the world is hard on those persons that think that way. I love this old adage and I know you do too!

        “The road to hell is paved with good intentions is a proverb or aphorism. An alternative form is “Hell is full of good meanings, but heaven is full of good works”.[1]
        Another interpretation to consider would be; One is naive and acts in good faith with no altruistic objective. It merely seems as the proper or even sensical thing to do. In this scenario the act, regardless of its virtue, leads the actor to unintended negative consequences.”
        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_road_to_hell_is_paved_with_good_intentions

        Hope I was in a hurry here but took time now to react to this fabulous response of yours it to me is an award winner and I don’t usually talk about such silliness but this is great to God and I have to move on for now, but, later I will go over this again word for word and I can tell you already it made my day, honest to God! Man; you blew me away, very inspiring! Now I have to hurry along but it was worth the detour!!!

        God bless you, your husband and your beautiful little baby boy!
        Oh and you thought you were on a rant here? Try harder next time, I’m a rant-er if you ever met one and then some! LOL!
        Brother in Christ Jesus,
        Lawrence

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