When Fear Takes The Throne

Fear Kills

Fear. Doubt. Worry.

They fight to take hold of my mind daily. It’s nothing new, I’ve faced off against fear my entire life. Many times the feeling of fear was justified—my reaction too it, maybe not so much.

Fear can be harnessed and used properly. It can motivate us instead of cripple us in a crisis if we keep it in its proper place. Far, far away from the throne seat of our heart and actions.

However, the moment we partner with it and allow it a place of honor and power is the moment we begin to hand over our authority to the devil.

Fear, in truth, is misplaced worship. Is more faith in something that isn’t God. And the thing about God is He will allow you to choose who you will empower. Will you empower His Holy Spirit within you? Or will you empower the devil and his demons to move against you?

I’m constantly teetering on the edge of both. One moment I am won over by truth, the next I am swayed by what I’ve seen. Death to those close to me, loss, disaster…if it happened to them, what makes me any more immune?

But there is something I cannot see. So much more…maybe fear took the throne seat of their hearts? Maybe power was given over without realizing it and the devil made his move? Maybe, things just happen. And God isn’t any less good because of it.

I see their stories and forget my own in the mess. God has always protected me, healed me, watched over my family, saved my life from sheer disaster, I can name all the stories as if they happened yesterday…

God saved my life when I nearly fell out of an amusement park ride.

He saved my dad’s life when his heart stopped one evening as he was watching tv.

He turned the wheel just in time when my mom and I were in a car accident (avoiding a head on collision).

He protected my unborn child as I was struck in the passenger side by a speeding vehicle.

Notice that the catastrophes still happened, but the outcome was victory. All these moments can be viewed in two ways, depending on my mindset at any given time.

I can either look at all the mess and think, “man, I was in a lot of horrible situations that God could have kept from happening.” Or I can think, “man, God has been so good to me, that when then devil tried to take me out—he failed every time.”

What am I really afraid of? Death? Even that thought sounds ridiculous if I truly believe in the Word. “To live is Christ, to die is gain.”

Am I afraid of pain? Of loss? Unfortunately, being a Christian doesn’t mean a life free of pain or loss. We aren’t immune to this broken world and we essentially have targets painted on our backs for carrying Christ. We are enemy #1 to the devil and are far from safe. But we shouldn’t be the ones shaking…our enemy is already defeated and he is scared witless by us.

And to the Christians who truly come alive and utilize the Holy Spirit within them…there’s nothing the devil can do even onto death.

My fear is in my weakness apart from God. My fear is in my inability to not fear. To use the faith He paid for. It isn’t a fear that He won’t come through, but that I won’t.

God has limited Himself to working through us. But we have to allow Him to move in and through us or in our hesitancy, in our fear, we will lose.

How do I keep my fear under check?

1. Read the Word constantly. Remind yourself of truth, dwell on it and it will transform you and your mind. The voice of truth must be greater than the other voices you indulge in. TV news, Shows, your friends, your family, your own inner voice…

2. When you fear a swell of fear, breathe. Step back and ask the Holy Spirit to highlight what’s really going on in the Spirit realm. If you can recognize the devil’s schemes for what they are, it gives you an edge. You can then pray specifically against it and divert your actions into a more spiritual warfare stance instead of physical.

3. Laugh. They say that when you dog is scared, to laugh out loud. This reassures them that there is nothing to be afraid of. Likewise, when we laugh, we exhibit an outward action of faith (regardless of how we inwardly feel this is important).

4. Do the opposite of your fear. Like I said above. Do what you are afraid of doing, physically force yourself to move, to keep living like nothing is wrong. Make plans, laugh, go for a walk, smile, put fear in its proper place and don’t let it dictate your next move.

5. Speak against it. Say positive declarations or verses over yourself (words carry incredible power). Likewise, you must rebuke your negative words spoken in fear that they wouldn’t give the devil a foothold. And lastly, this includes sharing your fear. Speak about it to those you trust spiritually, and cling to their advice and encouragement. You’re never alone.

This pregnancy has me feeling more afraid. But I can see the devil’s schemes and know that they are powerless so long as I don’t pay them any heed. For my moments of weakness, I repent to God and move on.

God, forgive me, and help my unbelief! I’m still learning and willing to grow. Please, help me to trust and to keep fear in check. You are my God, my protector, and my reason for breathing. I know I didn’t choose the easy path, but I also know that you promised to be with us always and by your Son, we have authority (the very same He has!). Guide me, oh Lord, and help me in my moments of weakness. And may yours be the Glory in all circumstances, Amen.

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True Beauty

My toddler rolls over in bed and touches my face. “Eww,” he says, innocently observing the obvious outbreak of Rosacea (something I never had until this year).

He closes his eyes and nestles into my arm, sound asleep. Meanwhile I stare at the ceiling mourning the beauty I once had. It wasn’t so long ago I had a slim body, tan, and a flawless complexion. My stomach was free of stretch marks and hernias, my hair and clothes had more thought put into them.

I was radiant with beauty. Or was I?

My definition of outward beauty reflected the world’s. But how quickly we dismiss the fact that the world’s definition of beauty changes in time.

Pudgy used to be sought over slender so many years ago. It showed health and fertility. On the same hand, pale skin meant that you were wealthy enough to stay indoors and avoid the harsh sun that we now seek out all summer long.

No, I am convinced now that beauty isn’t a certain set of standards but an ever-changing thing. My husband taught me this early on…he liked my messy hair pulled back hastily over the meticulous styled look that was beaten into me during my teen years.

He didn’t mind me skinny, but preferred that I was healthy. (I was underweight for my size back then). The hernia’s never bothered him, even after they were surgically fixed only to return as I carried our unborn son in my stretching stomach.

He didn’t care that I had stretch marks, that my weight stayed, that I now have Rosacea marking my face in red.

He never cared because he loves me, the beauty within and surprisingly the changing beauty of my outer appearance.

Let’s face it women. You can only grasp on to this world’s idea for so long, eventually you will change and later you’ll find that the world is changing too. Just like fashion. Stopping chasing what you were never made to chase, because it’s mere vapor anyway, you’ll never catch it.

There are times like this, with my son poking at my face, that I feel a pang of sadness over the me I once was. But it quickly passes when I turn my gaze off of myself and onto the little being beside me. He will always be beautiful (handsome) and perfect to me.

Even when he hits those teen years and his flawless skin experiences the hormonal zits that come with it. I would still find him just as perfect.

If my husband finds me beautiful during my life seasons and I can likewise feel the same awe at God’s design when I look at my son. Why can’t I feel that same acceptance with myself?

God loves me as I am. And “as I am” will always change. Maybe true beauty isn’t what we think it is….maybe true beauty is change.

The scars, the rings under our eyes, the marks on our faces, the slight pudge around our waist…they tell a story of change. And as I hold my son I think…what a beautiful story that is.

It proves that I have lived. And that I have contributed to this world something more valuable than myself. And that work has left it’s marks on my temporary frame.

I’m pregnant again, and I wonder vaguely if my body will bear more stretch marks, more battle scars.

I smile at the mirror and shrug.

The “Do Over”

“Only” to “Oldest”

Hello everyone! It’s been awhile! Praying all of you are well. I told myself I wouldn’t stop posting this time and here we are….life is a roller coaster of changes and sometimes those changes pull me away from writing unfortunately.

What changes do I speak of? First, I have dived deep into the art of reselling and it’s honestly been well worth it! As a stay at home mom, side hustles have to fit neatly into certain boxes and be well worth the time put in to it. (Stay tuned for some reselling posts as I really want to share what I’ve learned these past few months).

Second, motherhood and church have taken a priority over my writing lately. And time just hasn’t been available. Even now, I’m writing in the small window before my son awakes and like any ticking bomb I’m not entirely sure when it will go off and my time will be up.

At church, I’ve been pouring into my duties and into others. I will later share more about what that has done for my life since the past two years I had pulled away from God and my spiritual family.

Third, my husband has been hard at work with college to become a web designer. I couldn’t be more proud of him, and he only has until the spring of next year before he graduates and we can begin this new chapter.

But that isn’t the only new chapter we will be starting…

I’m pregnant.

Baby #2 is officially in the making. And he/she wasn’t in our plans and quite an unexpected surprise. James, my first, is now 2 1/2 years old and will be 3 when our next one is born.

We had plans to wait another year, God had another plan…but I’ve always said “your will be done.” Who am I that I can stop/control the coming of a new soul into the world—for such a time as this??

I didn’t feel the same way at first when I saw that “+” appear. I was afraid, in shock, even sad for those few minutes when I was the first awake and the house was peaceful and still.

I’ve loved this chapter, or at least I have finally learned to love it. The chapter of James and Me. Now set to expire by June…as our next chapter involves all of us.

Aaron will have a new job that allows him to be home more. And I’ll have a talking 3 year old and a baby on my hip.

But I’m wiser this time.

I feel like I have graduated myself. That I’ve “leveled up” as a mother. I made so many mistakes with James that I know I won’t make this time around.

The sadness turned to joy and acceptance very quickly.

-I’m different, so this time will be different.

-I’m not alone this time, and I get to experience this with James, Aaron, and my church family!

-no covid pandemic! Yay! My family can actually celebrate with me at the hospital. No masks! No covid test! No penitentiary feeling of being trapped!

-And then there’s James, who gets to walk into our room and see his forever friend for the first time. I don’t expect him to understand or even accept it at first, but I know from my own life how I longed for a sibling and didn’t realize it until I needed one.

Please pray for us as we navigate this new normal. The devil has been very obvious in his attempts to destroy our joy and peace. I believe that his attacks aren’t just set on us—I know you too are facing the heat. But be reassured! The time of the Lord’s coming is at hand! Each day is one day closer, and we must keep doing what He called us to.

Let Him find you working, harvesting, marrying, loving, raising families, and living life unto Him. In this way the Bride of Christ remains ready for Him.

With love always,

Riley